A Lesson in Tightropes
Disability doesn't come with a "how-to" book that guides you through the difficulties you're inevitably going to run into. Before my diagnosis I scrounged through different forms and catalogs trying to understand my symptoms, asking myself, “Why am I like this?” until one day, I received it. My diagnosis. C-PTSD. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I remember seeing the diagnosis on my health chart, "C-PTSD? I don't have PTSD", I thought. I was wrong.
I was always aware of my symptoms, but the diagnosis forced me to see them clearly. The sensitivity to tone, the fear of abandonment, the volatile reactions, they finally had a name. What began as "I don't have PTSD!" slowly became "Oh...I have PTSD..."
After my diagnosis, I was upfront about my needs with others. Compassion & patience. I experience the world differently, and I need the extra care. My disorder means I was going to have difficult moments, but that doesn’t define me.
In my relationships, I believed that honesty and directness would be enough. They weren't. Sometimes people don’t have the willingness to understand you. I’ve been told, “You’re exhausting,” “You’re too defensive,” “You’re aggressive.” Rarely have I heard, “I see that you’re hurting.”
I still feel like I'm walking that tightrope, wanting to be honest, wanting to be myself. I'm sensitive. Opinionated. Loud. I get defensive when I feel attacked, because I've spent much of my life being attacked, and I don't want to shrink to be loved.
At this point in my life, I'm learning accountability and awareness, without becoming an alibi for anyone else. I’m responsible for my actions. Others are responsible for theirs. My hurt doesn’t justify harm. And theirs doesn’t justify cruelty.
Yes, I’m learning. Yes, I’m growing and healing, and I will make mistakes, I’m not perfect. But the right people will accept me and will never ask me to dim my light for them.
If you’re navigating your own struggles, remember: your worth isn’t defined by how others perceive you. Keep shining, keep fighting, and find the people who will embrace your light. ☀️🫶🏻
— Elle
It's good to finally have a diagnosis.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter plays video games, but I don't. My grandson does too.
Thank you, Mary! Getting officially diagnosed was definitely helpful for me to learn, heal, and grow better. 💕
DeleteOnce a diagnosis comes for any condition or illness that must be load of peoples minds. Keep positive and good luck.
ReplyDeleteBeing disabled is incredibly life altering, even if my disabilities are partially psychiatric. I wish more people understood/respected that! Thank you for the positivity 💕
DeleteI broke my ankle at the end of November and couldn't walk for 6 weeks. Oh how I struggled and the doctors don't warn you of the impact on your mental health. After 6 weeks I was told I could walk in a moonboot with a little weight on it and building it up gradually. It hurts like hell, my muscle ache and I need to fight through the pain to get the ankle and leg working again.
ReplyDeleteI had bad PTSD regarding the accident, how it all happened. When I wasn't walking. I also had nightmares when I was able to sleep. Now that things are much better this past week, I still have flash backs but I think how far I've come in 12 weeks and that keeps me going and a better able to deal with them.
I really hope you meet people who understand because it's not good when people say these things to you and gaslight you as well.
"your worth isn’t defined by how others perceive you" never a truer word said, so true honestly. :-D
Hi, Ananka! I'm so sorry to hear about you breaking your ankle, that must've been a difficult experience to endure... but you did it! I'm proud of you for that. And I'm glad to hear that you're doing better and are recovering well. Keep up the fight! 💕
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